Sigh. I really hate my school. Today wasn't too bad, but I just hate walking there in the morning by myself. I hate just doing most of the stuff by myself. I hate not having a friend to talk to about the weird teachers, or just to complain. I hate not knowing what the hell that person is saying to me. I hate not having Becca in the same building as me, and being able to see her almost everyday. I hate not having Ms. Smith yell at us about how stupid we were. I hate not being able to watch Mr. Bartley sip from his coffee cup and blow us some smooth lip slurs in his trombone. I hate not being able to talk English and communicate with most people. I hate not being in the same country as my best friends. I hate not being able to pet Chester, and feel him at the end of my bed. I hate having to be in a caged building. I hate that I have to be so helpless, so stupid, so useless and have everyone translate stuff. I hate not being able to walk 5 minutes down the street with my trumpet and meeting Becca and Anthony and Nick and Tina and Eva and Claire and Ana and Hannah and Jenny and Alex and Miyako and Lorri and Danny and Pascale and Sam on the deck, forming circles around the conversation and yet being excluded and having that suck. I hate having to lug around a really heavy backpack. I hate that I have to miss 8th grade. I hate that I have to miss jazz band. I hate that I can't spend my last year on easy middle school with my friends. I hate having to do extra studying for the classes back in the US. I hate not doing Accelerated Algebra this year and then being behind my friends in High school. I hate not being able to write in not-pens. I hate the fact that the high school students here smoke cancer sticks, and make me at risk too. I hate smoking and drugs. I hate that I still have 10 months. I hate that I have to waste a year. I hate not talking and laughing at lunch, and not going outside to talk about the weather or whatever. I hate that my friends have it so easy. I hate that I stink at guitar. I hate not bringing more books. I hate not having wings. I hate when my friends don't treat me like I treat them, which is how I want to be treated. I hate having to miss out on everything. I hate missing band again. I hate that some of my friends not apply to Community and I might get in without them. I hate that I have to audition for Pioneer bands or whatever. I hate wasting my summer. I hate not having grilled cheese sandwiches a lot. I hate having to walk back and forth from school 4 times a day. I hate that I get out of school so late. I hate that people like McCain and disrespect Obama. I hate global warming and negative human nature. I hate when people make you intimidated. I hate when I'm confused. I hate worrying, and that it's like second nature for me. I hate people that dismiss you for your appearance, not bothering to get to know you. I hate Ohio State. I hate how one of my good friends is an OSU fan and we argue every football season. I hate how everything is about getting good grades, getting into a good college, competing against other students to get better test scores. I hate how we are the problem. I hate how everything happens so fast. I hate having to read French and kill my brain to find out what it means. I hate that we don't turn out the lights at night, so we see like no stars. I hate when those kids laugh about me (or something anyway) at the school. I hate having stupid teachers. I hate my long eyelashes. I hate barely ever getting to chat with my friends. I hate not seeing my friends. I hate how people change for the worst. I hate having to hold in thoughts or feelings. I hate being such a sissy. I hate being so scared. I hate having to hurry to my classes or to catch a bus. I hate the fact that after this hell I have to go to high school, which is more of a hell. I hate how there are swear words and stupid rules. I hate how I have to learn 1-2 more languages and already have one that I like a lot and am pretty darn good at. I hate how there are so many languages and it's complicated. I hate the French language pretty much. I hate how I'm missing out on band. I hate not playing a concert after all of that hard work with all of my band mates. I hate how school is like the main part of life. I hate how we can't just be frickin' happy. I hate how everything is about money and stupid things like that. I hate how people say "hate is a strong word", when maybe I'm using hate as a strong word, or hey- what if I'm using it to a lesser degree? I hate not being able to just be free. I hate not being able to walk down to the Bear Bowl to play catch with Anthony, talking about how much the Tigers suck. I hate not being able to lie on the ground with Becca and just talk. I hate not being able to jam with Jenny or Miyako. I hate not being able to play street hockey with Nick and all the little neighborhood kids. I hate playing hockey with grown-up men. I hate people that bump into you without saying sorry. I hate when people copy my ideas. I hate gossip and how everything has to be such a big deal if it's just a human being human in the news. I hate not staying up past midnight chatting with Becca. I hate taking out the recycling and hearing the crashing and breaking glass bottles. I hate loud music that's stupid. I hate how people do stuff just to be cool, and it's all a catch-22. I hate how the main character of Harry Potter (and a hell of a lot of other books) is a boy. I hate how Maximum Ride isn't real, and if she is, I can't meet her. I hate not being free again. I hate stupid movies that are just plain stupid and stupid. I hate how people can be so mean and you just have to try so hard to be their friends or talk to them. I hate having to learn a different language in a different language. I hate how people think I'm a boy. I hate feeling like my friends are ditching me, and I would hate losing my friends. I hate being trapped here. I hate not getting to go home RIGHT NOW. I hate that I didn't let my friend hug me when I wanted her too. I hate people saying "Slauson sucks" just automatically when they see I'm wearing a Slauson shirt and they're from somewhere else. I hate how I get out of school so late and have a lot of homework. I hate not getting enough sleep. I hate that everything is going to be so different when I come back. I hate peer pressure. I hate the fact that (according to my mom) more than half of the students at my school asked had tried drugs and had sexual intercourse by their senior year. I hate not being close to my family. I hate having fat tasting good. I hate the fact that I'm in France right now. I hate stress. I hate people telling you a lot about them and their day and not wanting to hear about yours. I hate people not returning "how are you"s and such. I hate that I have to miss one of my best friend's Bat Mitzvah. I hate missing one of my other best friend's birthday, and having her not being able to come to mine. I hate how I have to do so much French. I hate feeling so alone and ughed. I hate that I'm not going to Slauson with my friends. I hate not playing Connect-4 with Tina in advisory and hang-man with Miranda and everyone. I hate not feeling confident in my classes, when school just started getting fun. I hate not having courage. I hate that I can't play trumpet with Emma R. for a while and at Slauson with Danny. I hate not being able to get out of Book 2 in band after all of that practicing. I hate having such a long school year, and having this be the way it is until the end of the year. I hate having to go to weddings and wearing stupid clothes. I hate wearing dresses. I hate how like no one reads my blog, or at least no one comments and when I comment on every of my friend's blogs. I hate when my parents argue. I hate Zach being a jerk. I hate not playing with the Levins. I hate how it's almost high school and that having guy friends will be "weird" or even "not allowed". I hate not being happy all the time. I hate not being able to buy songs on Itunes. I hate that we're so lucky and that we're just destroying everything and probably not capable of helping or balancing it out. I hate how my friends aren't here with me, and we can't make movies or talk or whatever. I hate not being able to hang out on the deck. I hate not being able to go sledding at Slauson with Erez and Oren and Anthony and maybe Zach's friends and then drinking hot chocolate at my house and making movies. I hate how my handwriting is bad. I hate not being in band. Again. I hate being so vulnerable to smelly cheese. I hate poopey heads. I hate how people probably won't read all of this and not comment either. I hate stereotypes. I hate popularity and popular kids' many personalities and jerks. I hate having friends that want me to get a make-over and whatever. I hate those stupid, pink Girl magazines about *shudder shudder* things. I hate people not being themselves or hiding themselves. I hate how you don't really notice how you change and find you don't like yourself now or then. I hate feeling short and having people feel like making fun of me. I hate having to do the dishes sometimes and feeling so bratty and spoiled. I hate the whole "I'm in France while my friends aren't" thing. I also hate the whole "I'm not doing 8th grade/jazz band after 3 long hard years of practicing and my friends are" factor. I hate that next year is high school. I hate the stupid school system here. I hate me hating things sometimes. I hate how I can't conveniently talk to anyone. I hate how this whole thing could just be not worth it.
That didn't start out as such a huge rant, but ok. To sum it up, I hate life right now. I really needed to get that stuff out. And I still need someone to talk to. And I still need to be home right now.
4 comments:
When I was in 8th grade, my best friend stopped talking to me because she got a boy friend. I didn’t feel like I had any friends even though I was surrounded by people I had known and loved since kindergarten. I ate lunch with my teachers every day. I got made fun of for liking to learn and for being different. I felt awkward and uncomfortable everyday. Basically, I think 8th grade is the hardest year I ever had. I almost wish I hadn’t been in my home town because I wouldn’t have had to deal with or accept that people change and sometimes life is really unexpectedly hard. By the time I started high school, I had figured out what constitutes a good friend. I had accepted that being different is actually very special. I embraced my love of learning and that I didn’t want to do many of the strange and destructive things my peers were doing.
One of the most empowering thing for myself at your age was the discovery of really amazing women. It is really tricky to find them because they have not been given the same attention as men, but I think that the hunt makes it extra special when you find one. One of my favorite bands when I was in high school was The Runaways. They are a female rock band from the 70’s. You should check them out and let me know what you think.
When I was 15 I went to visit my family on the East Coast (I am from California, in case you did not know) and my mother made me buy a bunch of new outfits that she picked out. I felt so uncomfortable the whole time I was visiting because I didn’t feel like myself. If you are able to come to our wedding (which I really hope you can!), Carl and I would like for you to dress the way that makes you feel the very best.
I really love reading your blog Amelia. Good luck with the rest of your year, I am looking forward to reading about it!
Wow, thanks! I never knew that. I sure will check out them Runaways. Sounds cool. I think we can come to your wedding (yay) and thanks for wanting us to dress the way that makes us feel the best. That's awesome. Thanks for commenting and reading!! Seriously. That was one of my favorite comments I think. Thanks.
I think it's about letting you control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you.
It wasn't an accusation.
In high school, you better believe I'll have guy friends. I think we'll both be better able to in high school.
Rants like that can be very very beneficial.
I agree. THAT was also one of my favorite comments.
Thanks again both of you.
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