Needles and Cloth Hidden in the Closet

Crap. I am just so tired. I am just so pissed. I am just so... ugh-ed. Just came back from skiing, which was at the same place where we went with Steve and Simon, which if you remember was a failure. This time it wasn't so bad, but we got separated and my mom and I had to walk around in heavy, bulky boots around place. My dad wanted to go down again, so we had to wait for like... hours. It is not fun walking around in those. It is not. Especially while carrying huge skis and poles. We were there like the whole day, and of course I can't really talk to my friends because its like... whatever. UGH. UGH. STOP THIS. I wiped out once. I went too fast down this hill and wasn't in control, and then just crashed down right before this line for a lift. It wasn't even actually painful like at all. Sure, it was right in front of some people but I seriously didn't care. I just got up and chuckled, saying to myself, "that was... really...failure."

I hate hate hate hate the... the... perspective stuff. As you guys all know. Just... so much stupid stupid drama, not doing anything for break, still having homework, not being able to talk to people my age really, and then of course me just being tired and everything sucking. I know, pessimistic much? Dependent, much?

I wanted to write yesterday, because things got weird. When do they not. This break sort of messed things up. I was happy sure, but then of course it just ends. And I'm left with that.. school? What the crap. Let's not think about that. STOP. STOP.

I like this song on her playlist. This should make me happy. STOP. I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO HOMESICKNESS. YOU ARE OVERREACTING. STOP. STOP.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

It's pretty weird. You might have a first reaction to things, like maybe sadness. But then maybe optimism kicks in and you say to yourself, "Oh- but am I sad??!!" as if challenging the first self. Then you decide you're not sad, and that life rocks. But then you think, "I shouldn't be lying to myself. Maybe life really does suck" and then... I dunno.

That is what happens to me. And therefore, I had no idea what I really was thinking. I had no idea if I liked France, or if I wasn't having fun, or if I just.. I DON'T KNOW.

It happens as well in smaller circumstances. They all say love is confusing and all. Say you liked someone. There's always the thing where you don't really want to, and if you do, maybe you don't in fact like them. And then maybe you're just making it up, and then maybe it's real. And then maybe its just so stupid you can't handle it and you stop.

But then, can you ignore your feelings? We all play with our emotions... well at least I have. What with the whole "I don't know how I honestly feel" aspect. But does that even erase them? Does that just hide them? And they eat at you?

And THEN there's the whole thing where I'm just making this crap up and its just stupid crap just like everything else.

Ok, that was an exaggeration. But the thing I'm just thinking about is just... your brain... it..... well no.

We all get pissed. We all change. Those things have happened a few times during those 6 months. We referring to my friends and I mostly. Mostly I just bite the bullet, and try to help them of course. Because about 99% of the time, they get back to... well not their past self. That's in the past. But just... it's solved? We're good. My friends' attitudes affect me, you can bet on that. No. No. What am I talking about. Why?

Sigh. There's chats, there's emails, and there's phone calls. The only thing left is actually them. I guess I'm used to just the pixels now, but after awhile you almost punch yourself in the face. Or throw rocks.

I stay up too late. The day is already wasted. But then I can't talk to my friends if I don't stay up really. Why does she have to be idle? I need. To. Frickin. Talk.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

Change. Music. Jason Mraz's voice. Fads. Everyone's doing it. Jokes. Saying lol too much. Listening. Not understanding. Overreacting. Correcting typos. Drama. Sighing. Ughing. People. People becoming your friends without you even realizing it. No regrets. Biting bullets. Not eating snow. They don't care about their name. Change. Not even realizing yourself. Complaining about self-centeredness. Resolutions. Think you're weird. My math teacher is a snappy dresser. Gravel with white paint. It's almost Wednesday. You know what? I'm ready to be done with this. Scraping boots. Australian accents. She is not my friend. I want Ann Arbor. I don't want Ann Arbor. I am tired of forgetting about it. Throwing rocks. This isn't even necessary. STAR GAZING. Sending letters. Ready to fall. Ready to forget. Ready to finish. Of course it's outside. It all is. Not having this. W is screwed. Sugar down the throat. Being used to French and France and numbness and no parks no sledding some football good drums I need to talk to them STOP TRANSLATING no algebra. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Of course its stupid. Finding or creating? Giving up. No response. No comprehension. No reading. No talking. No them. And then it goes away, and its mixed. Again. Again. And again. Why not stop? I am a trumpet player. I gotta have courage. It's ok. You can do it you can do it it's almost over please just last just do this for all of your friends ok? Just get through through through through through through thr