I just find it really... weird how one gets used to things. And how they don't. It's like... time just goes by so fast, and it just goes by anyway, and you think you're in 4th grade coming back to the class late because you had to interview a teacher for Eberwhite Web Club (that actually happened), but then it turns out you're really graduating from 5th grade. Nope, you blink and its the last day of 7th grade, and that bunch of balloons came loose and flew into the air. Ah, but it just so happens that NOW its winter. 8th grade. Was it not JUST Monday? Like, last I checked it was even.. it was October. And I hated the school. And stuff. But now, I'm sort of used to it.
If I had never come to France, I would never have known what moving or going to a different school was like.
If I had never gone to France, I would have never known Claire, Emma, that other Emma, Monsieur Bajard, Monsieur Besson, Faouzi or Quinn even existed. But now that I do know that there are such people, and I know them somewhat, it seems weird ever to think that I didn't always know them.
I'm pretty used to the school and all... and its almost like Slauson and its ghost and the memories are slipping. No. Actually that's an exaggeration. But still, its like America and its culture and calling "English class" as "language arts" and having to bring a lunch to school.. all of that seems abstract. And you know what else is creepy? Sometimes I prefer to use some French words and stuff. Like, for some reason I don't bother translating some stuff when I read it. Well no. That sentence is sort of not necessary. It's just... I mean, technically doesn't your brain always "secretly" translate stuff? Because when I read French that I understand, or hear French, obviously I don't think as hard or something. Hmm... I don't really know how to explain though.
But back to the lost thing. As I said, I had gotten used to the school and new language and whatnot pretty well I guess. And it's just weird though because you don't really expect yourself to get used to new things really... and it just happens so fast, and almost replaces or makes new what you thought before. And then of course there's the thing in my case where I sort of have two worlds I go in. Or two places. Or two.. perspectives if you will. And frankly I find that inconvenient and unfair.
Whenever I chat with my friends, its like I go back to Ann Arbor and the USA and Slauson and speaking English all day and packing lunches and high school credits and only having to walk 2 minutes to school. And I almost forget about France and all the stuff that goes with it. But after not seeing my friends and all for awhile, even with chatting with them sometimes, you just automatically or whatever start to feel a drift. They have new private jokes, new experiences that you're not a part of. And just... ugh. You're still their friends, and still miss each other and all, but its just not the same.
And then I go back to France and all that and getting home at 5:45 and no band and walking home for lunch and not seeing my old friends and speaking French and etc etc. And I still think about the other perspective with my friends and all, but its just... less I guess.
But then I just feel (felt) like I could live with the French thing for the year as promised, and that yeah it was do-able, just unpleasant. I would see my friends again. I would go back to the USA and Michigan and all that. But then it occurred to me that I didn't really fit in either at the moment.
I had already only set up for France for the short-term, and therefore didn't 100% fit in really. I can't fall back on it, I can't really fully commit myself to it. But I'm torn. I have this other part, the Ann Arbor one. But I can't fully fit in there. I don't want to do either. I don't want to stay over here, but I cannot go back because I feel like I'm already so "far behind". The changes might "hurt" and the differences might make me regret, but I still can't stay here. So I was lost. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do.
As always, Becca offered some advice. Or well, perspective I guess. She told me the place you occupy doesn't define you and stuff. Which yeah. She's right.
I guess its solved and all. It's just... argh. Seriously annoying and @#*(#*(%#**%^#!!! to switch between the perspectives. I hate it. I really do. Neither are perfect.
But at least I'm numb. Less pain, eh? I've just put lots of energy towards the "exit" (of the France one) that I guess I can see the "light at the end of the tunnel". But what a long and stupid and... whatever tunnel it's turning out to be.
Talking does help. But as many things over here are, it has side-effects. Let's just keep it at "seeing the light at the end".
By the way? I love my friends. And those often-indie acoustic guitar songs/players that have really cool songs.
This is a cool site. I miss my bike. And I probably miss you.
1 comment:
You know how you said that you don't feel like you're in either place? I read this book once, called Alice in Between. It made me think of you, not because of the plot or the characters (that would have been offensive to you) but how she felt like she was in between being a kid and an adult. And you're in between being traveling Amelia and Ann Arbor Amelia. But, like I said, you're still Amelia. and you're strong, and there's only so much time left. Enjoy it, and we'll be waiting to enjoy you (but not in a sick way) when you get back.
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